


Abandoned

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abandonment, Aftercare, Angst, Crying, Earth C (Homestuck), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Roleplay, Tickling, Vulnerability, emotional masochism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-20 14:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18994162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Jake asks Dirk to roleplay abandoning him. It's supposed to be therapeutic and sexy. Jake's not prepared for how much it gets to him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is absolutely sexual, but because the actual sex isn't as important as the emotional stuff, I've written around it. Proceed with caution, and feel free to message me on [Tumblr](https://laurasauras.tumblr.com/) if you're not sure if you have the stomach for it and want more info.

Everything has been planned, and even though Jake knows he should be leaning into the uncertainty and nerves he's feeling, he can't help but run over the plan again in his head and draw comfort from the warmth of Dirk's hand in his, long fingers firm and certain. He's so good for going along with this, even though it's certain to end up in feelings on both of their part and Dirk would no doubt prefer to just have a normal date. It was Jake's turn to pick, though. He's neglected to mention that he got the idea from Rose. 

Dirk's still not great with crowded areas either, but they knew that the unfamiliar territory would be comforting in some regards (so different to home), more intense in others ( _so_ different to home). 

Dirk pauses next to a shopping mall, and carapacians move around them without making a fuss. They rarely get recognised when they're not in godtier clothes, and they've gone a few extra steps as well. Jake's usual curly hair is cut short and Dirk is wearing a pair of rectangular glasses, much less conspicuous than his shades but with the same comforting weight. Jake also has made sure to _hope_ that there won't be a scene, though he's still not sure how much of a difference that will make. 

Dirk pulls Jake into the mall, his steps confident even though he hasn't physically been here before. Jake knows that he looked up maps in advance. Everything is planned in advance. That's Dirk's way. It's reassuring, even though Jake really should be pretending there isn't a plan. You know, for the full experience. 

Dirk stops walking in the food court and glances around as if distracted. He's too good at pretending Jake isn't his priority. Jake knows it's pretend though. He does.

'Listen, Jake, stay here for a minute, will you?' Dirk says. 'Look, sit in this seat. I need to take care of something.'

'Why can't I come with you?' Jake asks. 

He knows this isn't real. He knows. But suddenly he feels four years old again and asking the same thing to his Gran. 

'It's not a place for you, Jake. I won't be long. Here, buy yourself an ice cream, I'll be back before you finish it.'

'I'll be good, let me come,' Jake says. 

Dirk's mouth twists down reluctantly.

'If you want to be good, you'll stay here,' Dirk says. 'Trust me.'

Jake nods, clutching the card Dirk gave him. Dirk guides him into the chair and kisses him on the forehead, lingering just a bit too long. Like it's a proper goodbye, not a see you soon. Or maybe an apology. Jake swallows nervously. Dirk pulls back and gives him a tight smile that doesn't meet his eyes before turning on his heel and walking quickly away. 

Jake loses sight of him almost immediately, the place is too crowded. Oh fuck, he's thinking the bad things already, it's not supposed to be like this. 

He's not hungry, but his mouth is dry and he wants to do as Dirk said even if it was fake, so he gets to his feet and looks around for a place that sells ice cream. He doesn't like crowds any more than Dirk does, at least not on his own. It's not so bad when someone's with him. He doesn’t have that comfort now. 

His legs are actually shaking when he takes the first step, too warm in the stupid jeans he's wearing because his stupid butt is too stupidly recognisable. The tiny stall selling ice cream is over the other side of the food court, but Jake manages to get there without incident. He has to repeat his order twice to the woman behind the counter because it's so loud. It makes his eyes sting and his throat burn with the threat of anxious tears because she's just trying to help him and he's not doing his part right. 

She gives him a bright smile along with the giant ice cream cone and Jake tries to return it, even though it feels weak. He takes his ice cream back to exactly the right seat that Dirk left him in. He has to make it as easy as possible for Dirk to find him again. 

He eats the ice cream slowly. Maybe Dirk really will be back before he finishes it. He wouldn't even be disappointed that they couldn't go through with it, he'd just be so happy to see Dirk again right now. When did he become so clingy? No wonder Dirk agreed to leave him.

No, Dirk left because Jake asked him to. Because he loves him and wanted to do something that Jake wanted to do. Something that might help him. Or might just feel nice. Shouldn’t it be feeling nice now, under the suckiness? It had sounded good when Rose described it.

The ice cream is half gone, and Jake wants to keep looking around the room but he's afraid that if he does he'll draw attention to himself and he cannot get recognised right now. Not when he's feeling so fragile. He would make an utter fool of himself if someone approached him as a god. Not that there’s anything unusual about that; he makes an utter fool out of himself every time someone approaches him knowing his god status or not.

All finished now and there's nothing to distract himself from the overwhelming nature of the food court. Jake licks his fingers carefully clean before he wipes them with the napkin he got with the cone and then wipes his mouth as well. It's silly, but he feels like if he's less of a mess maybe ... But no, Dirk didn't leave because he doesn't like how messy Jake is. He _doesn't_ like that though. He's a neat-freak. Or maybe he's just a normal person and Jake's the freak, raised more than Dirk ever was and yet incapable of eating anything without getting it everywhere. 

There's so much that Dirk puts up with for Jake's benefit. Like coming into the city today. Maybe Dirk has gone to find a quiet room to recover from how _much_ everything is. 

And it is _so much_. So many people talking, so many smells from different kinds of food all mingling together and coming out wrong, the sound of chairs scraping against the floor, the brightness of the fluorescent lights, the smell of perfume as people walk past, and are they all talking about Jake? No, that's ridiculous. But they could be. Maybe they have recognised him but refuse to come up to him because they respect his privacy. Or because they hate him. 

He's a _very_ disappointing god. He doesn't mingle with the people and do tricks for them like Jane and Dave do. He doesn't command that air of mystery and divinity that Dirk and Rose do. John might be the most suitable god that Jake has ever encountered, he's never once seen his feet touch the ground. And Roxy and Jade with their wonderful technology, and sure Jake helps here and there but he's leagues behind what the girls are capable of and he takes weeks off at a time telling them he's going camping and then really he just hides out in a tent and watches movies he's already seen before.

A very disappointing friend, too. He's not quite sure why the others put up with him. Perhaps because there are some things you go through where you can't help but end up friends afterwards, and Jake was technically involved in one of those kinds of experiences. He wouldn't blame Dirk for leaving him here for real.

Maybe he has done that. Jake’s been here a long time. A really long time. If Dirk used this opportunity to just get a couple of goddamn hours peace, no one could blame him. Jake asked for this. He was _so stupid_ to ask for this. 

Jake knows he shouldn't cry in public, he should find a restroom or just man up! But he can't leave this seat, he can't not be here when Dirk gets back and he doesn't know _how_ to man up. Knowing that his misery is undoubtedly making the innocent people around him uncomfortable is the last straw. 

At first it's just an awful tight feeling in his throat and a pressure in his chest. He can feel hot tears welling up in his eyes and when he blinks they spill onto his cheeks rather than being absorbed back in like he'd hoped. And then there's more, too many to be able to wipe them away subtly. He doesn't want to hide his face because what if Dirk comes back and he can't see him, but he can't even see anyway, not with how much he's properly crying now. 

He lets his head drop and presses his hands up behind his glasses. Maybe passers by will just think he's tired. He bites his lip back on a sob that's burning in his throat and manages to swallow it without making any noise. He can feel his shoulders shaking as his breaths come out in awful huffs and gasps, but he manages to keep it somewhat quiet. He can feel his nose starting to run as well, as if this wasn't all humiliating enough, and he has no idea what he's supposed to do about that. He never wants to show his face anywhere again. (Dirk might come back for a pretty Jake, but surely not for this one.)

He feels as bad as he can ever remember feeling, like he's being slowly crushed by every negative thought he's ever had in his 25 years and that's a fuck-tonne of negative thoughts. He shouldn't even compare this to how it felt when his grandma died because of course he felt worse then, even if he was smaller and didn't really understand. He's a terrible grandson for even thinking the thought. 

He sobs out loud this time and then bites his lip again because he's not used to having to be quiet when he cries. He doesn't _want_ to get used to it. It feels awful not to have the freedom to be miserable when he really, really needs to be. 

Just when he thinks he can't feel worse, there's a hand on his shoulder. He jumps and wipes his hands down his face as he looks up, as if that will in any way hide that he's been crying like a child in the middle of a mall.

The man hands Jake a small pile of serviettes and Jake presses them to his face gratefully, gasping down air in an attempt to calm himself. He can't seem to quite stop, but at least he feels slightly less gross. He blinks his eyes until he can see again and looks at the man closer as swallows and tries to find his voice.

'Thank—' Jake starts, but the words die in his mouth. 

It's Dirk, but it's not. Jake blinks again and clears his throat. Oh. Dirk wasn't sure if he'd feel comfortable playing the stranger after this. Now Jake isn't sure if he wants him to. Because Dirk really _has_ transformed himself to look like a stranger.

'Thank you,' Jake says, a bit milder. He meets Dirk's eyes, now a dark blue that makes him look like a normal person, not like the Dirk he knows. He's wearing a kind smile Jake's never seen on Dirk's face. It is kind. Jake’s not sure what about it is registering sinister, it’s _kind_ , he’s so stupid. Jake hiccups as his lungs protest the strain he's put them through. 

'This isn't the place to talk,' not-Dirk says. 'Come with me, we'll get you cleaned up.'

'I'm supposed to wait,' Jake says.

Not-Dirk sits down next to Jake and looks at him. 

'You're a sweet thing,' he says. It makes Jake jump a little. Dirk would never say something like that. 

It's unnerving Jake how vulnerable he feels confronted with this is not-quite version of his boyfriend. He's still Dirk, which floods Jake with relief. He's safe now in a way he didn't feel before, Dirk is here and will get him out of danger if he needs it. (There's no danger, he's just a coward. And Dirk was probably watching the whole time. It doesn't matter.) On the other hand, he isn't Dirk because he doesn't look right and he isn't acting right or talking right. It's almost as nerve-wracking as talking to a stranger. 

'My name is Ambrose. What's your name?'

Jake hasn't thought of a cover name. He can't think of one now. He chews his lip for a moment before looking Dirk in the eyes, begging for forgiveness that he isn't putting in as much effort as him. 

'Jake,' he says, his voice barely a breath.

'It suits you,' Dirk says. Jake breathes a little easier. 'You're a handsome man, Jake. What's got a guy like you all upset?'

'My boyfriend ...' Jake takes a shuddery breath, but now that he's cried once it seems that his body just wants him to cry again. He wipes away the traitor tears and tries again. 'Left m-me here.'

Dirk puts his hand on Jake's shoulder. 

'How could anyone leave a sweet thing like you, even for a second?'

Jake wants to lean into Dirk's touch more than anything, but he doesn't know if he should or not. He looks kind and welcoming and safe. But he’s not. He’s here to take advantage of how vulnerable Jake is. Jake bites his lip and looks down. He can’t agree with Dirk right now. He couldn’t ever. That’s the thing. He deserves to be left. That’s why he wanted this. To feel it. 

‘Unless you’re not really that sweet,’ Dirk says.

Jake looks up at him, unsure what he means.

‘You’re nice to look at, but maybe you were left for a reason. Maybe I don’t want you either.’

Jake swallows, suddenly nervous. What would happen if Dirk just left him? Would he have to find his own way home? Would he come back for him or would he just give up, disappointed that Jake couldn’t even participate in the fun part of this thing.

‘No,’ Jake breathes desperately.

Dirk’s eyes grow colder and his expression changes to something disinterested, like Jake really isn’t worth his time. Jake’s never seen anyone look like this, much less his quiet, soft, dorky boyfriend.

‘I don’t know,’ he says. He looks away from Jake, over the foodcourt. ‘What would be the point? What would you do for me?’

‘Anything,’ Jake whispers. ‘Anything you want.’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After abandoning him in a shopping mall for kink purposes, Dirk takes on a new character to take advantage of Jake's vulnerability. 
> 
> They have a very reliable way of breaking character after intense scenes and super sweet aftercare to deal with such intense emotions.

He stays half a step in front of Jake, no matter how hard Jake works to catch up. When Jake gives up and starts to drag his feet, not-Dirk turns around and gives him such a withering glare that Jake corrects himself. He’s just glad that not-Dirk turns back around immediately so he doesn’t see Jake further shame himself by crying again. If not-Dirk hears him, he gives no sign of it.

He takes Jake to a hotel room. 

Jake actually hasn’t been in a hotel before, he’s never had reason to. It’s a nice one, very _clean_ , and all the linen is shockingly white. Jake’s afraid to touch it, not sure if he actually got his face and fingers clean with the napkin, or if he’s still got island dirt clinging to him, or if he’s just fundamentally dirty in a way that he’s never noticed on his rainbow towels and these ones might expose. 

Not-Dirk looks at Jake like he’s had the same thought. He appraises him for a long moment before he crosses to the bed and sits, straightening his jacket to keep it straight and neat. He looks at Jake expectantly, and nods his head to indicate Jake should sit too. Jake obeys, thighs tense as if he can somehow make himself sit above the sheets rather than on them. He’s not that strong.

‘You know why I brought you here,’ not-Dirk says.

‘Because I wanted you to,’ Jake says. His voice catches on a sob, he doesn’t want to admit this was his idea but he can’t say otherwise either.

‘Why would I care what you want?’ not-Dirk asks. ‘I brought you here because you’re pretty, and pathetic enough to do what _I_ want.’

Jake nods, staring at the carpet in front of him. The words hit some deeply true part of his soul. This isn’t just the game, that’s his value. He can’t think of a single person who couldn’t say those words to him and mean it, if politeness wasn’t a factor.

‘What do you want, um …’ Jake’s forgotten the name not-Dirk gave him. He’s so stupid.

‘Ambrose,’ he says. 

He sounds so cold. Jake wants nothing more than to find comfort in Dirk’s arms, he’s so close but he’s _not_. 

‘Ambrose,’ Jake says. ‘What can I do for you?’

Ambrose looks at Jake with those pretend-blue eyes and Jake sits and lets himself be seen.

‘Take your clothes off,’ Ambrose says.

It’s almost a relief. Jake knows where he stands with most people. He knows that he’s popular because he’s attractive. And that was the implication here, was what Jake asked for, but he hadn’t been sure how far Dirk was taking things. Dirk hadn’t known or hadn’t told Jake if he was just going to abandon him or if he was going to play the stranger as well, or if he’d … take carnal advantage. 

It’s not just knowing where they’re sitting in terms of the roleplay, it’s knowing that even if he’s asking far too much of Dirk right now, at least Dirk will get something out of it. The only thing that Jake ever has to offer someone in exchange for everything they give to him.

He stands up, and slowly takes his shirt off. He’s not having fun with it, not doing a striptease like he has before (laughing over the song and holding one of Dirk’s hats up to his groin because they do have fun, why couldn’t he have wanted something fun like that?), but taking care, making sure that Ambrose doesn’t feel like he’s rushing. He stands, fully naked, not even in his glasses, and endures being seen.

‘Face down, on the bed,’ Ambrose says. 

Jake has no idea what to expect from this version of Dirk. He knows how their love-making usually goes, but private smiles and whispers until they get so distracted by their pleasure they can’t focus on that kind of thing hardly seems on the menu for this. He obeys despite his uncertainty, and lets Ambrose spread his legs wide. 

He makes Jake enjoy it. Works him up with all the tricks he’s learned when they were being sweet, and drags an orgasm out of him, makes him scream even when Jake hadn’t wanted to, had wanted to be quiet and good.

He lies on top of Jake afterwards, catching his breath. It feels more intimate and close than the sex did, even with his shirt keeping them from proper contact. Jake tentatively reaches for his hand, and is allowed to thread their fingers together.

‘I don’t want to throw you out,’ Dirk says quietly. ‘Not even if that’s … This is as cruel as I can be.’

‘I know, little lamb.’

They breathe together, almost in sync despite Jake’s lungs feeling a mite crushed. Jake needs to let the scene sit for a bit before he breaks it completely, and he’s lucky that Dirk lets him have that.

They’re going to need to do a lot of talking. But not just yet.

Jake pushes himself up with one arm so that Dirk is rolled off his back and onto the bed next to him. His eyes are still blue. Jake feels himself frown without his permission and as though he can read his mind, Dirk reaches for his eyes.

‘Wash your hands first!’ Jake says.

Dirk blushes and nods, rolling to his feet and leaving for the bathroom. Silly man, forgetting something so important. Jake hugs his knees to his chest as he listens to the tap run and considers getting dressed. It’s nearly over, though, and he’ll want the skin-to-skin comfort when it is.

Dirk comes back into the room, eyes orange and alive again, the roots of his hair a bit wet where he must have splashed them washing his face. He hesitates for a moment before unbuttoning the shirt he never took off and shrugging it to the ground. Jake holds his hands out before he can undress any further, and Dirk walks into them and lets Jake tug him back onto the bed. 

‘You know, there are other ways to make me break character,’ Dirk says, a small smile on his lips to show that he doesn’t really mind.

‘Like what?’ Jake asks, running his fingers gently over Dirk’s sides. Dirk tenses with the effort of not flinching.

‘Just do it,’ Dirk says, putting his determined face on like if he focuses hard enough he’ll be able to keep his cool this time. He won’t. That’s the whole point.

It’s amazing how quickly Dirk curls in on himself when Jake starts tickling him. Jake follows with him so that he can keep playing his ribs like a keyboard. Dirk tries to squirm further away, and his gasping breaths finally start coming out in uncontrollable giggles. 

Dirk can put on a surprisingly convincing character for roleplay purposes, but he struggles more when it comes to convincing both himself and Jake that he isn’t actually that character. It’s impossible to be frightened of someone who is this ticklish.

Dirk’s laughs generally come in three shapes: exhaling slightly more forcefully than usual through his nose, quiet chuckles that blend into the background if there’s more than him laughing, or a strangled, unexpected ‘ha!’ that Jake’s triggered only a few times by surprising him. The way he laughs when he’s tickled isn’t like any of those, it’s the highest Jake ever hears his voice and just as uncontrollable as his thrashing. 

He’s actually in danger of kicking Jake in the head, so Jake straddles his hips and pins his legs down with the tops of his feet. Jake keeps ticking him, up in his extra-sensitive underarms now, which makes Dirk’s giggles morph into breathless squeaks, so high pitched that his voice can’t make sound for half of them and he just rasps instead. His eyes are squeezed shut and he’s trying to fight off Jake’s hands even though he agreed to this, even though he needs this too, but his limbs are heavy and clumsy with distraction.

Jake stops when he starts to become worried about Dirk hyperventilating, and massages his own cheeks where he’d been grinning too hard. Seeing Dirk smile like that’s contagious, and neither of them are used to it. Dirk groans and hugs his ribs. 

‘That really is the most bullshit biological impulse I have,’ he says, voice rough from the laughter.

‘I thought sleeping was,’ Jake says.

Dirk squints his eyes open and smiles up at Jake. He grabs his hand and pulls Jake down on top of him, hugs him tight to his chest like the weight of gravity isn’t enough. Jake ends up with his chin on the top of Dirk’s shoulder, and it’s nice not having to worry about what kind of face he’s making. He never used to, when he lived all alone.

‘You doin’ okay?’ Dirk asks.

‘That was a tricky one,’ Jake says, unable to quite say no.

‘Yeah,’ Dirk says. He probably should have pointed out that Jake was the one who asked for it. He’s too gentle with Jake.

‘Fuck, it messes me up that I liked it,’ Dirk says after a moment. ‘I liked being a dick to you, what does that say about me?’

‘I imagine …’ Jake says carefully, ‘that it was rather freeing. Getting to shame the devil a bit with a few veritable incendiaries.’

Dirk rolls them over so that they’re on their sides facing each other, taking away Jake’s hiding place. 

‘You think I was being honest when I was playing to your biggest fears?’ Dirk asks. He’s frowning because of Jake, again.

‘It’s not an unexpected bit of buggery,’ Jake says. ‘Though, actually, the bug—’

‘It’s me, Jake. I can interpret the stupid expressions. Don’t try to distract me like that, not now.’

Jake tucks his chin to his chest and Dirk lets him avoid just a little bit. It’s so hard to be so seen. Even asking for this … It’s not something they could have done even a year ago, or five, or heaven forbid before they won the game. 

‘It felt very true,’ Jake says quietly.

Dirk pulls Jake’s head in closer until his forehead is resting against Dirk’s shoulder and strokes the back of his head. 

‘I guess I played my part well,’ Dirk sighs. ‘Jake, don’t you think I know? I know I could do this to you, I could do it better, without you ever realising it, have you a broken puddle of a man waiting for scraps of my attention, ready to give me whatever I might want in exchange for a bit of my time.’

Jake swallows and stares at Dirk’s skin. There’s a scar on his shoulder that he’s grown very fond of looking at.

‘I’m that kind of person, too,’ Dirk says, quieter. ‘Normal people can’t see all the ways they could destroy their partners. I bet I could do it without anyone noticing, even.’ 

He swallows. Jake doesn’t know how to disagree with him. He doesn’t know anything.

‘You know, it’s not even just the fact that I love you though. ‘Cause I do. I love the everfucking shit out of you. But if I was to destroy you, you wouldn’t be all the pieces I love. I know you think it’s just your body, but it’s not. If you asked me to, I’d never touch you again. I’d wear a blindfold so I couldn’t get enjoyment just from looking at you. I’d lobotomise myself to cure me of the memories of how fucking hot you are.’

‘Dirk …’ Jake says.

‘Right. It’s your mind. You’re clever, you’re adaptive, you can find something good in everything. You could be an evil fuckin’ mastermind right next to me if you didn’t want love as much as you do.’

‘Are we going to take over the world, pumpkin?’

Dirk kisses Jake on the head and holds him a bit closer. His jeans are softer than the kind he wears around the house, like they’re not made for fiddling with robots but for looking and feeling good. They don’t feel bad against Jake’s legs, but he wishes they were bare as well.

‘Jake, your soul feels right,’ Dirk whispers. ‘I couldn’t ever give this up, couldn’t ever recover from not having your soul near mine.’

Jake wriggles his arm under Dirk’s body so he can clutch both his hands to his back, fingers spread over his shoulder blades and press his face into his neck. Dirk’s _here_ , he’s so present it almost hurts, ribs pressing harshly into Jake’s inner arm and smelling too much like the city for his liking and he’s so crushingly sincere, so desperate to be understood. 

They hold each other for several long minutes, the seconds hanging over them at first with the pressure to keep talking, keep debriefing, not to miss the opportunity to get their feelings out until that eases and it’s just quiet. Until —

‘Dude, those were nice jeans,’ Dirk says indignantly.

Jake peeks down and sees that his hope powers have once again lead to a naked boyfriend. This is why Dirk doesn’t wear pajamas anymore, it was a ridiculous expense. 

‘Whoops,’ Jake says. 

‘You don’t even sound guilty, what am I going to wear home? You seriously want me shirt-dicking it in public?’

Jake starts laughing only a second after Dirk does. The clinging fragility that had Jake crying so easily while the scene was going has been thoroughly broken by the tickling. Dirk is never really mad at Jake, he can’t be. He loves him too much.

‘I think it’s a good look for you,’ Jake says.

‘The only way we get away with our fashion choices is because we can pass them off as camp, that ain’t happening for casual nudity.’

‘Is that not camp?’

‘I regret taking you to pride.’

Jake kisses Dirk on his nose and Dirk smiles. There’s something heartachingly good about how easy it is to make Dirk smile when they’re on their own. Jake kisses him again, on his cheeks and forehead, on the bits of his face that are easiest to get to with Dirk pretending to squirm back as if the affection is too much for him to handle. He laughs weakly, and it’s close enough to the giggles that Jake gets out of him when he tickles him that Jake thinks his heart is going to explode.

Dirk eventually presses his hand to the whole of Jake’s face (getting a kiss to the heel of it because of the proximity) and shoves Jake gently far enough away that he can breathe again. Jake smiles against his hand and tries to tilt his head to the side to peek around his fingers.

‘We cool?’ Dirk asks.

‘ _I_ am,’ Jake teases. He takes Dirk seriously after a second though. He knows that Dirk may very well look for cracks in their relationship based on this. ‘I love you. Thank you for humouring me with this.’

‘We should talk. Some other time.’

Jake nods against Dirk’s hand. Dirk takes it away and kisses Jake gently before shifting deeper into the cuddle, against Jake’s chest. Jake’s arm prickles where Dirk’s weight no longer rests on it and he squeezes his hand open and shut behind Dirk’s back to try and speed up the process.

‘We should shower,’ Jake says. ‘I’m probably getting jungle on these sheets.’

‘We should watch a movie. Something we’ve seen before so we can kiss.’

‘In a minute,’ Jake agrees. He closes his eyes and pats Dirk’s shoulder a couple of times, just to feel the softness of his skin under his hand. 

It’s out there, now. They both knew that Jake had … issues. Dirk hit so many of them right on the head that it’s impossible that he didn’t know them, inside and out, without needing to interrogate Jake about feelings he wouldn’t have been able to articulate.

Isolation left its mark on both of them, and they’ve spent a lot of times talking through Dirk’s hangups, even doing similar things; roleplaying him being rescued, him being self sufficient, him rescuing everyone else as a distraction from his own feelings. Sometimes Jake just lies on top of him so he can’t ignore the fact that he has an alive and _heavy_ boyfriend who isn’t going anywhere.

Jake’s stuff is harder. He doesn’t like talking about it. He doesn’t want to relive it and he doesn’t want to drag Dirk’s mood down by talking about things he already doesn’t want to talk about. He doesn’t want to sound ungrateful, definitely doesn’t want to sound clingy. And it doesn’t make sense, anyway, because how can he be so terrified of abandonment and also want to run away, like, all the time?

This was so … real. Maybe now he can look at it a bit easier. Maybe he can admit that he gets scared when Dirk goes to hang out with Dave for days at a time, because he won’t have to bring up his childhood, he can talk about that strange kink thing they did that time. Maybe next time he can abandon Dirk, and all his friends, just to see what that would feel like, just to play.

And come back home after it and get this skin to skin contact. That probably shouldn’t be the scary part. 

‘This was Rose’s idea,’ Jake admits. 

Dirk lifts his head up to look at Jake, his eyes soft with relaxation.

‘Yeah, I figured,’ Dirk says. ‘Exposure therapy didn’t feel like something you’d want to play with on your own.’

‘Did she tell you?’

‘Fuck no. Have you seen us talk? She’s not going to admit that she’s done something for our benefit and I’m not going to be able to thank her without raking my body over the coals, nope, that whole prospect is way too uncomfortable. We … I’ll give Kanaya a present, it’ll even out. We’ll talk about this at 3am, months from now when I’ve sufficiently read Pavlov’s wikipedia enough to be able to go toe to toe with her. Do you know how hard it is to sustain my compulsion to be the smartest person in the room when one of my most treasured friends is a goddamn seer of light? I fucking hate how much I love her.’

Jake smiles and strokes Dirk’s hair as he rants. Dirk’s fingers tap staccato on Jake’s back as if there’s a meter behind his words. 

‘Is that what this was? Exposure therapy?’

Dirk thinks for a moment, his eyes darting to where his shades are folded on the nightstand before settling back on you. He doesn’t like to guess.

‘I don’t know,’ he admits. ‘How did she even get you to talk about this kind of thing in the first place?’

Jake shrugs, moving Dirk’s arm along with his. 

‘She likes to peek behind the old watermelon shed, you know? Get a good gander on the sharks getting up to no good.’

Dirk nods. Jake sure has got a treasure in Dirk. He’s not quite sure he likes that he isn’t distracted by his turns of phrase anymore, not unless he makes a real effort to put some sausage in them. But it gets easier all the time, being seen by Dirk.

‘I thought, well, seeing as she wanted to stick her fist up into my watch and chain, I might as well grease the doors for her.’

‘Watch and chain?’

‘Brain.’

‘Right. You know you can tell her to fuck off?’

Jake smiles and shakes his head. Dirk sighs and cuddles him closer again. 

‘I think it worked out this time, but I’m going to tell her to fuck off for you.’

Things have a way of working themselves out. Especially with a compulsive fixer for a boyfriend. Jake rests his chin on the top of Dirk’s head and puffs out a breath to stop some of his hair from tickling his nose. 

Now that he’s out of that moment, it’s hard to imagine how he could have thought Dirk would leave him so easily. He doesn’t want to dwell on it, or even to think about it that much, but he feels like he’s watched a really good movie and cried all the weight off his soul.

‘Do we have to see other people right away?’ Jake asks.

‘Nah. We can go bush if that’s what you need. You know how much I like getting blisters on my feet and sweat in my crack.’

‘You have baby feet,’ Jake says. ‘We can climb something just for your ego.’

Dirk hums agreeably. His voice has that edge of slur to it like he’s forgotten to pretend he’s not tired. Every time Jake holds him still and quiet for more than ten minutes, _every_ time, he ends up falling asleep.

‘Just a nap, okay?’

‘Mmhmm,’ Dirk agrees. ‘Gotta feed you. I’m just resting for a second.’

Jake kisses the top of Dirk’s head and shifts slightly so he is in a comfortable enough position to sleep. Maybe seeing as they’re in the city they can get some real sushi, not the disaster rolls that Dirk tried to make at home that they had to eat in a bowl.

The last thing Jake is aware of before he falls asleep is Dirk hugging him closer for a beat, then relaxing again. He’s so loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to the friend who not only helped me understand the appeal of tickling but also liked this so much they donated to my Ko-fi!


End file.
